Deformed Comment

Monday, September 06, 2004

The Steel Cage Presidency

In the last three weeks, America has spent many hours discussing the efforts of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to attack Kerry's war record. More recently, we've seen Kerry attack Cheney by mentioning the Vice President's five draft deferments. Tomorrow, those of us who watch "60 Minutes" will see Ben Barnes, ex-Lieutenant Governor of Texas, talking about how he helped Bush get a place in the National Guard.

At the recent Republican Convention, Arnold Schwarzenegger made clear the new meme of Campaign 2004:


That's it folks. We're not going to talk about Iraq, or the economy, or unemployment, or even the war on terror. Instead, we're going to spend the next eight weeks watching two grown men acting like twelve year olds who are insecure about their budding manhoods.

Next week, Bush will call Kerry a faggot, and Kerry will reply by telling swing-state voters that Bush is a big sissy. Cheney will jump in with the news that Edwards ran away from fights in grade school, and Edwards will claim that Cheney got boners in the boy's locker room in seventh grade.

Some would say that the prospect of watching our presidential candidates do nothing more than attack one another's dignity is appalling. I disagree. We are at war, and thus the machismo of our president should be the only important factor as we gird our loins for the long battle against terror that looms ahead, and with this in mind I'd like to make a proposal:

Rather than engaging in the usual sissified debates, which are nothing more than girlie-man arguments about unimportant issues such as the economy, Al Quaeda, or unemployment, I propose that the candidates should get together and settle the all important question of manliness. Two weeks before the election, Kerry and Bush will duke it out. The event will be held at the site of the World Trade Center, Ground Zero of the September 11th attacks, and it will be broadcast on live TV. The undercard will consist of all the lesser players - vice-presidential candidates and family members.

First, in what's sure to be a crowd pleaser, Kerry's lovely daughters can tag-team Jenna and Not-Jenna in the mud-wrestling match of the century. Unlike other mud-wrestling matches, this bout will use real mud from Ground Zero. Since this dirt, stained as it is with the blood of heros and a host of cancer-causing chemicals, comes from America's most holy place, it is even possible that the spirits of America's dead will take a hand in the mighty battle. If nothing else, the sight of four nubile women covered with slippery mud will arouse the electorate, guaranteeing some hardcore voter turn-out.

Next, Edwards and Cheney will fight a round of Irish Stand-Down. Imagine Cheney's trademark snarl as he punches Edwards in the mouth, sending lawyer teeth flying in all directions - surely an image that will please every American whoever missed a raise because their employer was defeated in a class-action suit. Then imagine Edwards struggling to his feet and breaking Cheney's nose. Those of us who actually fought in Vietnam can enjoy the arch-draft-dodger getting what he deserves. The man who stands a heartbeat away from the button can't be a coward or weakling, so the first man to pull away from the other's blow, or fall unconscious, will lose this bout.

Since the woman whose husband we're electing will become America's dominant female, I'd suggest that Teresa Kerry and Laura Bush dress in leather corsets - blue or red as appropriate to their political party - and fight one another in a no-holds barred, steel cage match. Each will be armed with a bull whip, and whichever woman makes the other beg for mercy will be crowned Bitch Queen of America by the Borg Babe herself, political catastrophe incarnate, Jeri Ryan.

Last, of course, will come the main event, Bush vs. Kerry. This battle must not only make clear who is the better man, it must also demonstrate the ability of each candidate to lead others to military victory. As you might imagine, Ground Zero, only a block away from New York Harbor, is perfect for a battle of this kind. The Army Corp of Engineers will therefore dig a trench from the Harbor going west down Vessey St. to West St., then North along West St. into the World Trade Center grounds. Each candidate, his Vice Presidential candidate, and their families will take command of a swift boat and attack the World Trade Center itself, which will be defended by a group of ex-Viet Cong brought in for the occasion. While both the candidates and the Vietnamese fighters will be issued rubber bullets, one round in ten of those used by the gooks will be real. Whichever of the candidates leads his Vice Presidential Nominee and family to victory against the Commie Horde will win the contest.

The victor will be crowned as America's Toughest Pol by Arnold himself, and the loser will wear a pink sign with the words "Girlie Man" on his chest until the elections are over.

I realize that this is a major departure from our usual method of debating the great issues prior to electing a president, but given that thirty-seven percent of the electorate believes professional wrestling is real, I think this will be more effective than a structured debate.


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