Thanks Guys, Have a Seat
Hi George, Hi John, thanks for coming to see me. I know you guys are busy with the election right now, but I just wanted a quick word. George, I really admired the Swift Boat Vets thing. As far as I'm concerned it was a classic example of the dirty campaign trick. John, the National Guard forgeries were pretty good too. They've created a lot of interest in your opponents National Guard record, and I'm sure that will be good for your campaign. Hey boys, knock that off. You can call each other names when you're not doing it on my time.
Now as to why I've called you here... um guys, I think you've both done the dirty trick thing to death. All the voters now know that whichever of you is elected will do an excellent job playing tricks on the terrorists, particularly when you're actually doing your Presidential duties and have the professionals at the CIA to help you.
Yeah, John, I guess that was a bit of a dig, but I'm not going to apologize, because frankly guys, neither of you are any great shakes at execution. John, you should know better than to forge typewritten documents with an ink jet printer, and George, you used some of your best friends to finance the Swift Boat Vets, so it's not like everyone didn't know you were behind it. But that's beside the point.
At least that's my opinion.
And there are so many things to talk about. There's unemployment and the economy, and what kind of Supreme Court justices you'd like to appoint. George, you could discuss your record as a Governor and as President, and John, you've got nearly twenty years of Senate service to talk ab-
Quiet!! Will both of you please shut up! Let me make this perfectly clear. As a voter, I'm really getting sick of you guys going on and on and on and on and on about who did worse in Viet-
Stop it right now! John! George! That's enough. Alright, let's put this to bed. George, you dodged the draft and didn't finish your National Guard obligation. John, you came home and attacked your fellow servicemen as baby killers. Frankly, neither of you has much to be proud of where the sixties are concerned, and if you want the American people to have any respect for either of you when this is done, maybe you should both shut the hell up about how you made total idiots of yourselves during your youth.
As I was saying, if you guys keep going on and on and on and on and on about Vietnam, at some point I, and all the people who think like me are simply going to barf. That's right guys, we're going to blow gigantic chunks. This is already a lesser of two evils election, frankly, having to choose between a National Guard deserter and an ex-Naval officer who met with the enemy during wartime is bad enough without both of you shitheads living in the past.
Sometime in the last thirty years, at least one of you complete wastes of matter and energy must have done something you can be proud of. Why doesn't one of you talk about it?