Deformed Comment

Monday, September 13, 2004

Thanks Guys, Have a Seat

Hi George, Hi John, thanks for coming to see me. I know you guys are busy with the election right now, but I just wanted a quick word. George, I really admired the Swift Boat Vets thing. As far as I'm concerned it was a classic example of the dirty campaign trick. John, the National Guard forgeries were pretty good too. They've created a lot of interest in your opponents National Guard record, and I'm sure that will be good for your campaign. Hey boys, knock that off. You can call each other names when you're not doing it on my time.

Now as to why I've called you here... um guys, I think you've both done the dirty trick thing to death. All the voters now know that whichever of you is elected will do an excellent job playing tricks on the terrorists, particularly when you're actually doing your Presidential duties and have the professionals at the CIA to help you.

Yeah, John, I guess that was a bit of a dig, but I'm not going to apologize, because frankly guys, neither of you are any great shakes at execution. John, you should know better than to forge typewritten documents with an ink jet printer, and George, you used some of your best friends to finance the Swift Boat Vets, so it's not like everyone didn't know you were behind it. But that's beside the point.

Look guys, I'll make it simple. Some of us... well, we'd like to see a real election. Why don't you guys argue about whether it would have been appropriate to apply the Powell Doctrine to the Operation Iraqi Freedom. Or maybe you could talk about the economy, and whether Keynesian Economics is better than the theories of Milton Friedman. What do you mean the voters don't know any better. Guys, you're the ones running for office. If you want to get elected, maybe it's your job to do a little educating.

At least that's my opinion.

And there are so many things to talk about. There's unemployment and the economy, and what kind of Supreme Court justices you'd like to appoint. George, you could discuss your record as a Governor and as President, and John, you've got nearly twenty years of Senate service to talk ab-

Quiet!! Will both of you please shut up! Let me make this perfectly clear. As a voter, I'm really getting sick of you guys going on and on and on and on and on about who did worse in Viet-

Stop it right now! John! George! That's enough. Alright, let's put this to bed. George, you dodged the draft and didn't finish your National Guard obligation. John, you came home and attacked your fellow servicemen as baby killers. Frankly, neither of you has much to be proud of where the sixties are concerned, and if you want the American people to have any respect for either of you when this is done, maybe you should both shut the hell up about how you made total idiots of yourselves during your youth.

As I was saying, if you guys keep going on and on and on and on and on about Vietnam, at some point I, and all the people who think like me are simply going to barf. That's right guys, we're going to blow gigantic chunks. This is already a lesser of two evils election, frankly, having to choose between a National Guard deserter and an ex-Naval officer who met with the enemy during wartime is bad enough without both of you shitheads living in the past.

Sometime in the last thirty years, at least one of you complete wastes of matter and energy must have done something you can be proud of. Why doesn't one of you talk about it?

Thursday, September 09, 2004

New Campaign Allegations

The following was written by a very smart woman I know named Julie Cochrane. She's the author, with John Ringo, of a new science fiction book called Cally's War, coming in October from Baen Books:

Troubling new allegations emerged today from a former neighbor and long time family friend that in 1957 President George W. Bush lied to his own mother about who, in fact, had eaten the last chocolate chip cookie. Despite these disturbing allegations, the Bush administration has declined to release relevant records on the recipe Barbara Bush used to make chocolate chip cookies, or any cookies. Bush surrogates suggest that cookie recipes are an important campaign secret and expressed concern that Hillary Clinton might use any information thus revealed to further her political career.

When asked about the Bush allegations, representatives high in the Kerry campaign said, "Bush lied. He lied to his own mother. George W. Bush was Wrong about the cookies, and he is Wrong for this country! President Kerry will appoint a blue ribbon commission to determine the best cookie recipe for the American people and will institute a program for cookie coverage for our children and seniors."

The Kerry Campaign had no comment when asked about allegations that in 1958 Kerry lied to his mother about who crayoned the stick figure dog on the living room wall.

The 527 group Crayonne Artists for Truth are reportedly preparing a campaign deploring the use of crayons on walls. When reached for comment, major contributor I. D. Artiste had this to say, "Coloring is a noble art with a long and distinguished history. Applying it to interior home surfaces, much less lying about it afterwards, gives a bad name to all the artists who use their crayons on plain paper, construction paper, or coloring books." Artiste also criticized coloring books as stifling young artists' creativity and demanded that both parties institute educational programs to further the art of crayoning in public schools. "It's a national disgrace that all the visual arts have to get squashed into the time for a single class in our schools. Between fingerpainting and modeling clay, important though they are, crayoning frequently gets short shrift. We must enhance the art education of our nation's students." Artiste said.

Reached for comment, an NEA spokesman said that the crayon controversy merely illustrated the need for higher teacher salaries and funding for teachers to take continuing ed. classes in new and classic crayon techniques.

Stay tuned to our channel for 24 hour coverage on these and other breaking stories.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Hey Stupid

Recently I've seen several posts on two of my favorite sites, Daily Kos and The Blogging of the President, which discuss with great gusto and considerable intellectual accomplishment, the problems Kerry is having with his message. While I think both of these sites are usually on target on when they discuss politics, all of these posts manage to miss the point, either by burying the important message in a mass of verbiage, or by simply being wrong.

My message to Kerry is much simpler:

Hey Stupid! It's the economy.

When "It's the economy, stupid" was first heard back in 1992, everyone knew who "stupid" was. If Kerry talks about the economy every time someone shoves a mike in his face, he'll probably win the election. Arguing with Bush about Iraq is probably the worst move anyone could make.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Damn Them!

Today my wife and I took the spawn to Target to shop for school clothes. The store was remodelling, and I noticed a sign which read, "Please excuse our progress while we remodel."

"Our progress?" Don't they mean, "Please excuse our great big, fucking mess?"

This is not how English is meant to be used. I'm trying to supervise the education of my children, and they see this, in public, from a major corporation?

Buying a "pre-owned" car was bad enough.

My wife is a teacher, and she speculated that the sign at Target was designed by the same people who changed the name of her district's essay test to the "Literature Based Extended Constructed Response Writing Task." Maybe these useless fucks moonlight for major corporations during the summer or something.

I hate these people. I'd like to find the hapless losers responsible for these grotesque expostulations and squeeze them until the useless, pus filled, Lovecraftian things on top of their necks pop like zits.

Well, actually not, but I really want to know something: How does someone who beats the English language to a pulp, anally rapes it, and turns it into the linguistic equivalent of a fuck-toy get a job writing for a school district, or making signs for a major corporation? And why the hell are they allowed to keep their jobs once they've vomited forth an abomination like "Please excuse our progress while we remodel?"

I don't know either. But that doesn't keep me from hating them.

Monday, September 06, 2004

The Steel Cage Presidency

In the last three weeks, America has spent many hours discussing the efforts of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to attack Kerry's war record. More recently, we've seen Kerry attack Cheney by mentioning the Vice President's five draft deferments. Tomorrow, those of us who watch "60 Minutes" will see Ben Barnes, ex-Lieutenant Governor of Texas, talking about how he helped Bush get a place in the National Guard.

At the recent Republican Convention, Arnold Schwarzenegger made clear the new meme of Campaign 2004:


That's it folks. We're not going to talk about Iraq, or the economy, or unemployment, or even the war on terror. Instead, we're going to spend the next eight weeks watching two grown men acting like twelve year olds who are insecure about their budding manhoods.

Next week, Bush will call Kerry a faggot, and Kerry will reply by telling swing-state voters that Bush is a big sissy. Cheney will jump in with the news that Edwards ran away from fights in grade school, and Edwards will claim that Cheney got boners in the boy's locker room in seventh grade.

Some would say that the prospect of watching our presidential candidates do nothing more than attack one another's dignity is appalling. I disagree. We are at war, and thus the machismo of our president should be the only important factor as we gird our loins for the long battle against terror that looms ahead, and with this in mind I'd like to make a proposal:

Rather than engaging in the usual sissified debates, which are nothing more than girlie-man arguments about unimportant issues such as the economy, Al Quaeda, or unemployment, I propose that the candidates should get together and settle the all important question of manliness. Two weeks before the election, Kerry and Bush will duke it out. The event will be held at the site of the World Trade Center, Ground Zero of the September 11th attacks, and it will be broadcast on live TV. The undercard will consist of all the lesser players - vice-presidential candidates and family members.

First, in what's sure to be a crowd pleaser, Kerry's lovely daughters can tag-team Jenna and Not-Jenna in the mud-wrestling match of the century. Unlike other mud-wrestling matches, this bout will use real mud from Ground Zero. Since this dirt, stained as it is with the blood of heros and a host of cancer-causing chemicals, comes from America's most holy place, it is even possible that the spirits of America's dead will take a hand in the mighty battle. If nothing else, the sight of four nubile women covered with slippery mud will arouse the electorate, guaranteeing some hardcore voter turn-out.

Next, Edwards and Cheney will fight a round of Irish Stand-Down. Imagine Cheney's trademark snarl as he punches Edwards in the mouth, sending lawyer teeth flying in all directions - surely an image that will please every American whoever missed a raise because their employer was defeated in a class-action suit. Then imagine Edwards struggling to his feet and breaking Cheney's nose. Those of us who actually fought in Vietnam can enjoy the arch-draft-dodger getting what he deserves. The man who stands a heartbeat away from the button can't be a coward or weakling, so the first man to pull away from the other's blow, or fall unconscious, will lose this bout.

Since the woman whose husband we're electing will become America's dominant female, I'd suggest that Teresa Kerry and Laura Bush dress in leather corsets - blue or red as appropriate to their political party - and fight one another in a no-holds barred, steel cage match. Each will be armed with a bull whip, and whichever woman makes the other beg for mercy will be crowned Bitch Queen of America by the Borg Babe herself, political catastrophe incarnate, Jeri Ryan.

Last, of course, will come the main event, Bush vs. Kerry. This battle must not only make clear who is the better man, it must also demonstrate the ability of each candidate to lead others to military victory. As you might imagine, Ground Zero, only a block away from New York Harbor, is perfect for a battle of this kind. The Army Corp of Engineers will therefore dig a trench from the Harbor going west down Vessey St. to West St., then North along West St. into the World Trade Center grounds. Each candidate, his Vice Presidential candidate, and their families will take command of a swift boat and attack the World Trade Center itself, which will be defended by a group of ex-Viet Cong brought in for the occasion. While both the candidates and the Vietnamese fighters will be issued rubber bullets, one round in ten of those used by the gooks will be real. Whichever of the candidates leads his Vice Presidential Nominee and family to victory against the Commie Horde will win the contest.

The victor will be crowned as America's Toughest Pol by Arnold himself, and the loser will wear a pink sign with the words "Girlie Man" on his chest until the elections are over.

I realize that this is a major departure from our usual method of debating the great issues prior to electing a president, but given that thirty-seven percent of the electorate believes professional wrestling is real, I think this will be more effective than a structured debate.

Not Informed

Welcome to Deformed Comment. Please note that I don't claim to be informed. If at any point actual information is presented here, it will be in service of one of two ideals; humor, and the perfect rant. If by chance I make a political point you find appealling, or say something funny, or if aliens land right here on this blog and mutilate your favorite sacred cow, that's lovely, but it's not what I'm here for.

I'm here to rip off the top of your skull and spank your brain. Some people like that. My people like that. If by some chance something you read here makes you think, that's not my problem - you probably have a genetic predisposition for actually using your brain - and I feel sorry for you, because thinking is decidedly contra-survival these days.

I recently read that thinking is caused by a double recessive gene, and that those who think probably also have frog-like faces, bulging eyes, and severe skin prob - never mind, those are the inhabitants of Innsmouth, but my point about thinking stands - don't do it, they might be watching, and if they see it, they'll probably get up in your face, hurl a few insults and yell about how you don't watch enough Fox News or something. Then they'll say bad things about the school system, insult your mother, and imply that you might be happier in another department.

This folks, is my other department. Thanks for dropping by. Sorry about the noise, we're in the basement under the Lady's Room here, and that big pipe in the ceiling leaks a little. We don't do much here to move the machine forward, but the coffee is both hot and fresh, and we have the best donuts in the entire building. So why don't you have a seat and get all cranked up on caffeine and sugar while I type the next post.

I'll be with you in a minute